In the journey of parenthood, navigating through the highs and lows of enforcing rules can be a challenging yet necessary aspect of raising well-rounded children. As a board licensed family therapist, I understand the importance of consistency in discipline and the impact it can have on shaping a child's behavior. Establishing clear family rules and consequences sets a framework that not only guides children but also instills values that will benefit them for a lifetime.
Creating Structure and Consistency in Your Home
Establishing family rules is essential for maintaining harmony and structure within a household. Rules serve as guidelines that help define expectations, promote respect, and foster positive relationships among family members. Some common examples of family rules include setting limits on screen time to encourage more quality interactions, assigning household chores to teach responsibility and teamwork, establishing a routine for meals and bedtime to promote a sense of stability, and practicing respectful communication to address conflicts effectively. By implementing rules, families can create a supportive and nurturing environment where everyone feels valued, protected, and understood. Remember, family rules are not meant to restrict freedom but rather to create a safe and loving space where each member can thrive and grow together. Take a moment to contemplate which rules would be helpful for your family during this stage of life and consider the examples below.
Family Rules-Examples
Rule 1: Respect Others' Bodies, Privacy, & Property
Possible Consequences : Loss of screen time for one day, doing a kind favor for the person they hurt, helping earn money to replace what they damaged, allowing the child who was hurt by another child to choose 1 item from the perpetrating child's room to keep for 24 hrs.
Tips : It's essential for children to learn the value of respecting others' feelings, bodies, and space. They must also be taught to respect their own and other's intimate areas-Do NOT assume they will avoid exploring or playing in this way. Rather, assume they will without your instruction.
Teach children how to regularly tend to their physical hygiene. Children typically need some help with bathing, dressing, and brushing/flossing teeth often into grade school.
Rule 2: Clean Up After Yourself
Consequence : 1 verbal warning and then must complete an extra 5 minute chore for the family after cleaning up the mess they caused.
Tips : Teaching responsibility from a young age sets a foundation for independence. Keep them company while they are working when possible. Avoid sending them to their room just to "clean it." Instead, consider having part of their after school routine being picking up their age number of things in their room.
Rule 3: Use Kind Words & Be Honest
Consequence : Offer a "Do Over" where they can try again after calming down. Apologize and communicate what the healthy response would have been. Give the person they were mean to 3 genuine compliments.
Tips : Encouraging positive communication fosters healthy relationships early on. Teach children to identify their feelings and ways to calm down when they are overwhelmed. They will need your calm nervous system to help regulate their developing one.
Be prepared to give countless reminders everyday as their developing brains will often not retain much information for any length of time. What your own parents called "nagging you" was likely ignorance on their part of stages of brain development and what you were actually capable of retaining at the time.
Rule 4: Go to Bed on Time
Consequence : Bedtime 10mins earlier the following night, a time out the next day for the number of minutes they were late to bed. Also consider a reward for a week of getting to bed every night on time.
Tips : Promote healthy sleep hygiene habits and set an example in this area to your children. Let them play quietly without electronics or read an old fashioned book or even color until they are ready to actually fall asleep. Teach them how children at different ages require different amounts of sleep and their older sibling may need less sleep than them.
Rule 5: Complete School Assignments on Time
Consequence : Additional study time on weekends, required tutoring sessions. Going to school early to meet with the teacher.
Tips : Prioritizing education helps in instilling discipline and work ethic. Be sure to praise your child's efforts and highlight their strengths as well.
Rule 6: Show Responsibility for Chores
Consequence : An extra chore for the one they forgot after having 1 verbal reminder. No allowance for a week.
Tips : Assigning chores teaches accountability and the value of contributing to the household. Keep expectations of chores specific to stage of development. Remember that your child's prefrontal cortex relies on yours to initiate and complete tasks. It typically works best to be busy with a task right next to them while they are working if not assisting them with their task when appropriate. Consider playing beat the clock or beat the song to make it more fun. Avoid being perfectionistic and remember that as they are growing, they will not complete chores to the level an adult would. Think in terms of praising their efforts and the job being "good enough."
Rule 7: Be Safe In Real Life & Online
Consequence : Loss of independent playtime for the week, loss of time with friends, loss of the electronic or game they were risky with for a day.
Tips : Make sure that an adult always knows a child's whereabouts and that they are clearly instructed not to give strangers (or even other gamers online) their personal information. Teach children what porn is and what to do if they accidentally come across it while online. Explain what kidnapping is but also empower them with ways they can stay safe.
Rule 8: No More Than 2 Hours of Screen Time Per Day (After School and Chores)
Consequence : Loss of screen time the next day, an extra chore to make up for their extra screen time.
Tips : Model healthy electronics use for your children. Ensure electronics are only used and charged at night in public areas of the home. No electronics in bedrooms. Have children set timers for the amount of screen time they have earned. Use parental controls. Praise them for ending on time. Give 5 minute warnings to younger children.
In the hustle and bustle of daily life, parents often find it challenging to maintain consistency in enforcing rules. That's why I recommend scheduling a family meeting to discuss the rules and consequences. This not only involves the children in the process but also ensures everyone is on the same page. Let the children offer ideas on rules and consequences too and allow for some humor as well.
It's vital to remember that parenting isn't always smooth sailing, and moments of frustration can arise. Don't hesitate to take a step back when angry. Delaying a consequence to ensure it's delivered calmly and maturely can make a world of difference in how it's received by your children. You might consider giving one verbal warning and when the rule is still broken stating calmly, "I see you have chosen to (insert agreed upon consequence)." When a child shows strong emotions regarding a consequence being enforced, be sure to tell them their feelings make sense and they have a right to feel that way. Even adults dislike consequences!
As the leaders of your household, creating a positive culture and calming energy is key. Establish routines that children can rely on and ensure their basic needs like sleep and exercise are met as well. Consistency in rules, alongside a nurturing environment, sets the stage for children to flourish and grow into responsible individuals.
As you embark on this journey of creating a culture of consistency, remember that your efforts today will shape the adults of tomorrow. Stay patient, stay consistent, and most importantly, shower your children with love and support on this challenging but rewarding adventure called parenthood.
© 2024 Mara B. Edmunds. All rights reserved.
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