Mara B. Edmunds
Could you be unfaithful to your partner without realizing it?
Relationships are delicate ecosystems where trust, respect, attachment, and communication form the foundation. As a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in relationships, attachment, and trauma, I often find myself delving into one of the most complex and challenging threats of human connection - cheating.
When we hear the word "cheating," our minds often jump to images of secretive affairs or hidden text messages. However, cheating manifests in various forms, not just the physical act of infidelity. Let's explore the different kinds of cheating that can corrode the very fabric of your relationship.
1. Physical/Sexual Infidelity: This is the most commonly recognized form of cheating. Engaging in physical intimacy with someone other than your partner is a violation of the commitment made to each other. This includes any form of physical contact that would be considered inappropriate between friends or relatives. Have an open conversation with your partner on where they believe the line is crossed.
2. Emotional Infidelity: Forming strong emotional bonds, sharing intimate thoughts, and feelings with someone other than your partner can be as harmful, if not more, than engaging in physical infidelity. Consider who you instinctively think of when you have news, whether good or bad. Who do you feel the urge to confide in first? This can reveal where your deepest emotional connection lies. Is it with your partner, a friend, or a family member? Emotional infidelity does not necessarily involve a sexual component.
3. Cyber Cheating: With technology advancements, cyber cheating is increasingly common. It involves crossing emotional or sexual boundaries online through chats, videos, or images. Around half of affairs start online, often innocently. Establish mutual boundaries with your partner to avoid relationship issues. Additionally, ask where your partner stands on erotic imagery as a possible violation between you.
4. Financial Cheating: Financial cheating involves dishonesty or deception related to money matters within a relationship. This can include hiding purchases, lying about income or debts, secretly controlling finances, or engaging in financial infidelity such as gambling away shared funds without the partner's knowledge. Financial cheating can erode trust and create significant conflicts in a relationship. Determine as a couple an agreed upon amount at which either of you will consult the other prior to spending. If your proposed numbers are different, go with the lower amount or meet in the middle. The most common amount I hear in sessions is $500 but your amount may vary depending on factors unique to you as a couple.
So, are you cheating on your partner?
While the previously described forms of cheating are widely acknowledged, there is an insidious aspect of infidelity that often goes unnoticed - cheating with ANYTHING that threatens your partner's assurance of being a top priority in your life. Though different forms of cheating impact relationships in different ways, it is important to recognize each for what it is.
Cheating in relationships extends far beyond physical or emotional boundaries.
Imagine this: You spend more time scrolling through your phone than engaging in meaningful conversations with your partner. You consistently prioritize work tasks over quality time together. Perhaps you repeatedly choose golf outings, substances, gaming sessions, friendships, gardening, hours at the gym, or investing activities over nurturing your relationship. These perhaps seemingly harmless actions can slowly erode the trust and security your partner feels in the relationship. Balance that continues to evolve with the relationship is crucial.
Prioritization is the cornerstone of healthy relationships. Does your partner truly know they are a high priority to you in their daily lived experiences with you? How would they know? It's not just about saying the words; it's about demonstrating through your actions that they are cherished and valued above all else. Rewarding relationships are the direct result of intention and effort in your every day choices. If you share children, I dare you to ask them what is most important to you in life or what you like the most in life. Ask your partner, "What is it like being with me on the very best day and the worst?"
As a proactive step, take a moment to reflect on your own behavior. Have you unintentionally relegated your partner to a lower priority in your life? Maybe you are in survival mode and feel you are at the end of your rope with nothing left to give. Have you shared this with your partner? Acknowledge any instances where you may have neglected their emotional needs and made them feel less important. Is your partner's default understanding of you that you have their back and that you look forward to seeing them? If another person watched you enter a room where your partner was, what would they observe as your top priority just by watching you?
Remember, the smallest actions can have the most significant impact. Start today by setting aside dedicated, uninterrupted time to bond with your partner in ways that are meaningful to them. If you are unable right now to see each other very often due to circumstances outside your control, be very careful with the limited time you do have. Show appreciation, actively listen, and make genuine efforts to strengthen your connection. Make more deposits than withdrawals over a given week between you. Be curious, kind, and consistent. Ask them what they would describe as a healthy balance of individuality and partnership.
Your commitment to making them feel cherished and loved will lay the groundwork for a resilient and thriving relationship. If you are feeling distant right now, gently share with your partner what you are hoping for in your relationship in the future using a positive and inviting tone. For example, "I would love it if we..." Thank them for what they are doing that makes you feel supported and loved or share with them a time in the past when you felt like a priority and how much that meant to you. Reflect on how complaining and accusing have served you in the past. Keep the goal of the conversation and how you want it to end at the forefront.
A healthy and vibrant relationship encompasses a deep commitment to consistently nurturing the bond you share with your partner and ensuring they experience being your top priority. Make the conscious effort to prioritize your partner each day, and watch your relationship blossom into a flourishing haven built on trust, respect, companionship, and unwavering love!
© 2024 Mara B. Edmunds. All rights reserved.
***Disclaimer: The article above does not apply to cases of domestic violence. Your safety is always top priority!
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