Love Beyond Labels: Understanding Relationships Between Autistic and Non-Autistic Partners

Mara B. Edmunds, LMFT
Jul 8
13 min read

Updated: Jul 13

By Mara B. Edmunds, Licensed Psychotherapist

Two people walking on a grassy path by a misty seaside, with lush greenery and a forested cliff in the background, conveying serenity. One is autistic and the other is not. They have learned to appreciate their differences.

As a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, I have the honor of working with a diverse clientele, including those of neurodiversity. Frequently, I am asked specifically if those on the autism spectrum are emotionally or romantically compatible with those who are not and vice versa. Let's dive in deeper to explore this topic.

How Do We Define "A Person on the Spectrum?"

Firstly, it's essential to define what "person on the spectrum" means in a clinical setting. The term "spectrum" is employed because each individual on the spectrum is distinct. Nonetheless, the DSM-5, or Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, provides general criteria required for a diagnosis. To confirm a diagnosis, a mental health professional, typically a psychologist skilled in this type of assessment, will use a tool like the ADOS-2 to assess a person for ASD. Thus, the following criteria are meant to offer information but cannot independently confirm a diagnosis.

The DSM-5 offers guidelines for diagnosing ASD, detailing criteria for the disorder's varied manifestations. Diagnosis focuses on two main symptom domains:

Deficits in social communication and interaction.
Restricted, repetitive behaviors, interests, or activities.

Woman with short white hair and glasses listens intently to her partner talking about what it is like to have autism, holding tablet. She wears polka dot sweater. Brick wall and window in background. Her partner shares what they value about the strengths that come with being on the spectrum.

*For an Autism Spectrum diagnosis, the following points are considered:

1. Persistent deficits in social communication and social interaction across multiple contexts, as manifested by the following: - Deficits in social-emotional reciprocity, ranging from abnormal social approach and failure to engage in back-and-forth conversation to reduced sharing of interests, emotions, or affect. - Deficits in nonverbal communicative behaviors used for social interaction, such as poorly integrated verbal and nonverbal communication, abnormalities in eye contact and body language, or deficits in understanding and using gestures. Deficits in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships, which may manifest as difficulties adjusting behavior to suit various social contexts, sharing imaginative play, or making friends.

2. Restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior, interests, or activities, as manifested by at least two of the following: - Stereotyped or repetitive motor movements, use of objects, or speech, such as simple motor stereotypes, lining up items, or echolalia. - Insistence on sameness, adherence to routines, or ritualized patterns of verbal or nonverbal behavior, which can include extreme distress at small changes, difficulties with transitions, or rigid thinking patterns. - Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus, such as strong attachment to unusual objects or excessively perseverative interests.

Hyper- or hypo- reactivity to sensory input or unusual interests in sensory aspects of the environment, which may involve apparent indifference to pain/temperature, adverse responses to specific sounds or textures, or excessive smelling or touching of objects.

3. Symptoms must be present in the early developmental period, typically recognized in the first two years of life, although they may not become fully manifest until social demands exceed limited capacities or may be masked by learned strategies later in life.

4. Symptoms cause clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of current functioning. This means that the symptoms must interfere with the individual’s ability to function effectively in various settings, such as at home, school, or work.

5. These disturbances are not better explained by intellectual disability (intellectual developmental disorder) or global developmental delay. To make a clear diagnosis, it is essential to distinguish ASD from other conditions that may present with similar symptoms. In summary, the DSM-5 outlines a detailed framework for diagnosing Autism Spectrum Disorder, emphasizing the importance of understanding the diverse presentations of the disorder and the impact it has on individuals’ lives. Mental health professionals must consider these criteria carefully to ensure accurate diagnosis and appropriate intervention strategies.

*American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing.

Two men in an office collaborate at a laptop, holding notes. Background shows colleagues chatting, another man working alone. Bright, modern space. The men are sharing about a special interest they have in common as autistic males.

Attractive Autistic Traits and Qualities

Individuals on the autism spectrum often possess a unique set of traits that can be incredibly attractive to those around them. These qualities can range from their remarkable attention to detail and deep focus on areas of interest, to their genuine and often refreshing honesty in communication.

One of the most notable characteristics is their ability to approach situations with a distinctive perspective. This fresh viewpoint can lead to innovative solutions and creative ideas that others might overlook. Their passion for specific subjects can also be infectious, drawing in those who share similar interests or who are simply intrigued by their enthusiasm.

Additionally, many individuals on the spectrum exhibit a strong sense of loyalty and commitment in their relationships. This steadfastness can create a sense of security and trust that is highly valued in friendships and partnerships. Their straightforward manner often means that they engage in interactions with a level of sincerity that can be both comforting and refreshing, fostering deeper connections with those around them.

Moreover, the emphasis on routine and structure that many on the spectrum prefer can lead to a certain predictability in their behavior, which can be reassuring for others. This predictability often translates into reliability, which is a highly sought-after quality in both personal and professional relationships.

Furthermore, their capacity for intense focus can lead to a level of expertise in their areas of interest that is admirable and can inspire those around them. This dedication to their passions often results in a wealth of knowledge that they are willing to share, enriching the lives of those who engage with them.

Those on the spectrum sometimes display higher than average IQ's and may have exceptional abilities in areas like pattern recognition and inference, systemizing, and non-verbal reasoning.

As a result, it's not uncommon for a neurotypical person who identifies as sapiosexual (attracted to intelligence) to feel attracted to someone on the spectrum.

While individuals on the spectrum may experience differences in social interactions, their qualities often help create meaningful and appealing connections with others. Their unique perspectives, loyalty, honesty, and passion for their interests not only enhance their own lives but can also positively influence those they interact with, making them valued members of their communities. However,

it is crucial that their romantic partner deeply values these qualities and appreciates the richness they bring to the relationship. For these neurodiverse relationships to flourish, these qualities must be seen as true assets, not as liabilities by the neurotypical partner. Indeed, these assets must significantly outweigh any perceived shortcomings the autistic partner may have in the eyes of their neurotypical partner.

Only the partners themselves can decide which qualities they value. What one person sees as a flaw, another might consider a unique and valuable trait.

Smiling autistic woman in a denim jacket holds a croissant at an outdoor cafe with red umbrellas and white tablecloths, enjoying coffee with a friend. They discuss what it is like to be in a neurodiverse friendship.

Emotional Differences In Neurodiverse Relationships

Emotionally, individuals on the spectrum are diverse and distinctive. Their emotional experiences often differ not only from those of neurotypical people but also from one another.

If not properly managed, these differences can result in misunderstandings when individuals on the spectrum engage in romantic relationships. The extent of this varies, and no two relationships are the same. However, generally speaking, emotional presence and empathy in someone on the spectrum may appear quite different from those in a neurotypical person. Consequently, their neurotypical partner might sometimes misinterpret them as being indifferent or, even worse, as intending to cause harm.

The differences in how those on the spectrum experience emotions that set them apart can be described as multifaceted and complex, reflecting a unique interplay of neurological, psychological, and social factors.

People on the autism spectrum frequently perceive and process emotional stimuli differently from neurotypical individuals. This difference can appear in numerous forms, such as the intensity of their emotional responses, their capacity to recognize, tolerate, and interpret emotions in others, and the ways they express their own feelings.

For example, individuals on the spectrum might feel emotions more intensely or less intensely compared to their neurotypical partner. This increased emotional variability can result in overwhelming feelings, especially during social interactions or when experiencing sensory overload. As a result, they might find themselves in emotional distress, which can be hard to handle without suitable coping strategies. This can be challenging for the neurotypical partner to comprehend and support, as they perceive the same situations quite differently.

Elderly neurodiverse couple in plaid shirts smiling while organizing photos at a table. Scrapbooking supplies and album are visible. Warm indoor setting. This autistic couple takes turns sharing about their individual hobbies and interests.

Emotional Challenges In Neurodiverse Relationships

The ability to recognize, tolerate, and understand the emotions of others can be significantly affected in some autistic individuals. Many people on the spectrum may struggle to interpret non-verbal cues, such as facial expressions or body language, which are crucial for social interaction. This difficulty can lead to misunderstandings in social situations, causing frustration for both the individual and those around them. As a result, they might misinterpret others' emotions or not respond in a socially expected manner, making their social interactions and relationship with their partner more complex.

Moreover, the expression of emotions can also differ markedly. While some individuals on the spectrum may find it challenging to articulate their feelings verbally, they might express themselves through alternative means, such as art, music, or written communication. Others may exhibit their emotions through behaviors that might be perceived as unusual or atypical, such as repetitive movements or a lack of eye contact. These unique expressions can sometimes be misinterpreted by others as indifference or aloofness, when in fact they represent a genuine emotional response that is simply conveyed differently.

Furthermore, the emotional experiences of individuals on the spectrum can be influenced by their environmental context. Supportive and understanding environments can foster emotional well-being and help individuals navigate their feelings more effectively. Conversely, environments that are overly stressful, volatile, or lacking in understanding can exacerbate emotional challenges, leading to anxiety, irritability, or isolation. Therefore, recognizing and accommodating the unique emotional experiences of those on the spectrum is essential for promoting their emotional health and enhancing their quality of life.

Neurotypical woman reading a book in a sunny park, wearing a floral dress and red earrings. Green trees and grass create a peaceful setting. She is married to a partner on the spectrum.

What about the emotional health and quality of life for the neurotypical partner?

A neurodiverse relationship may require significant effort and may even seem unfair to the neurotypical partner. However, when the neurotypical partner values the qualities or unique traits of their autistic partner, they find the motivation to bridge their differences. Ultimately, only those within the relationship can assess how rewarding and meaningful it is despite the differences. Each partner should consider what aspects of the relationship make it worthwhile to navigate these differences.

Additionally, it is important to keep in mind that this relationship dynamic goes both ways. The autistic partner should also appreciate the traits of their neurotypical partner to feel motivated to engage with them in healthy ways, even though the neurotypical partner may unintentionally overwhelm or overstimulate them.

It's essential to learn how to communicate thoughtfully and respectfully during these times, regardless of which partner is triggering the other. The capacity to gently exchange feedback between partners will significantly impact the success of these relationships. If one partner consistently dominates and is always the more powerful voice, it jeopardizes the relationship and its potential for a secure connection.

Autistic individual smiling in apron and purple gloves cleans a kitchen counter with a cloth. Bright, organized kitchen with wooden utensils and a blender.

How Those on the Spectrum Experience Emotions and Show Care

The unique manner in which individuals on the spectrum show emotions and care towards their partner can vary, often marked by specific traits that highlight their distinct perspectives and experiences. These displays of affection and emotional bonds may not always conform to standard social norms, but they are profoundly meaningful and genuine. It is up to the partners to determine what makes them feel most loved, whether the gesture is more traditional or aligns with the neurodiverse partner's way of thinking.

Nonverbal Signs

Individuals on the autism spectrum often use nonverbal communication to express emotions. While they may struggle with eye contact or facial expressions, they find alternative methods such as gestures, unique hugs, or helping with tasks. They may also create a comfortable environment or give meaningful gifts, using their keen observation skills. These physical expressions are powerful indicators of their emotions and dedication.

Verbal Expression

People on the spectrum might communicate verbally in a straightforward and literal way, steering clear of ambiguous language. Simple phrases can express deep affection. However, challenges in these couples often arise when the autistic partner, with their preference for routines, may express affection only at specific times or as part of routines (for example, only saying "I love you" at night before sleep), which can make the message seem less genuine and scripted to their neurotypical partner.

Routine and Consistency

An additional trait of affection in these individuals is the significance of routine and consistency. Many people on the spectrum flourish in structured settings where predictable patterns provide a sense of security and comfort. This preference for routine can extend to their relationships, where consistent actions, like regular check-ins, planned date nights, or specific rituals, serve as crucial expressions of love. Their neurotypical partners may grow to value these routines as evidence of their partner's dedication and care when they realize they have become a priority within their autistic partner's routines.

Unique Interests and Shared Activities

Individuals on the autism spectrum often have intense interests or passions, and sharing these with a partner can be a profound way of expressing affection. Engaging in activities that are meaningful to them, whether it's a favorite hobby, a specific genre of music, or a beloved book series, can serve as a bridge for emotional connection. When they invite their partner into these interests, it symbolizes trust and a desire to share their inner world, fostering a deeper bond.

Physical Expression

Sensory differences can affect the physical expression of love. Individuals on the spectrum may have intensified or diminished reactions to sensory stimuli, impacting how they demonstrate love through physical interactions. They might prefer calm, low-stimulation environments for intimate moments, creating a distinctive bond that highlights comfort and reduces overwhelm. Acknowledging these preferences can enhance the emotional dynamics of the relationship, allowing both partners to interact with increased empathy. It is crucial for the couple to openly discuss their preferred ways of giving and receiving physical expressions of affection to bridge any gaps or differences between them.

Depth of Emotion

Individuals on the spectrum can experience a vibrant emotional life, with feelings often being intense. Sometimes autistic people may not verbalize feelings as often or may need extra time to process emotions. What appears to be quietness can sometimes simply mean they feel safe and at ease around their partner. Despite differing expressions from neurotypical norms, their loyalty and commitment can be unwavering, leading to strong and rewarding emotional connections. They may express emotions uniquely through distinctive communication styles, routines, shared interests, and sensory considerations, creating a meaningful emotional connection.

Neurotypical partners can enhance their relationships and intimacy by acknowledging and appreciating these differences, especially when a strong foundation of trust, shared values, goals, and life aspirations binds the relationship.

Neurotypical woman in a cozy room gazes out a large window at a harbor with mountains. She's seated near a plant and table, wearing colorful socks. She is reflecting on the differences between she and her autistic partner.

Can Neurodiverse Relationships Work?

Neurotypical partners often expect expressions of emotions, affection, and empathy in ways that align with their own understanding. This can lead to misinterpretations or misunderstandings of their partner on the spectrum. They might also inadvertently overstimulate their ASD partner, potentially causing an episode of isolation or, in the worst case, an autistic meltdown. However, all is not lost if you are in a committed relationship. In my work with these couples, I frequently encourage them to reflect on their shared priorities, goals, or dreams they have. What initially attracted them to their partner and led them to choose them above all others? Are there differences now causing triggers or resentment? What positive qualities or aspects of the relationship are hidden beneath the ocean of pain that has come between them?

A neurodiverse relationship can flourish if both partners are willing to appreciate (not just accept) their differences, communicate their needs effectively, strengthen the aspects of their relationship that initially connected them, and develop new goals and shared meaning together.

It may also require agreeing to have certain personal needs met outside the relationship, with mutual consent. This approach should be based on awareness and respect, avoiding secrecy that might cause resentment or division.

For instance, if the neurodiverse partner is particularly interested in chess while the neurotypical partner does not share this enthusiasm, they might decide to set aside regular time for a chess club. During the chess club, the other partner could focus on their own interest, such as gardening, which may not appeal to the chess-loving partner. Afterwards, they can come back together to enjoy a shared interest or goal and thoughtfully discuss how to continually balance time spent on individual and joint interests.

Relationships are inherently complex, and this complexity is heightened in neurodiverse relationships. Nonetheless, with proper understanding, genuine and calm acceptance of each other's feedback, and mutual agreement on the reasons for being together, these unique relationships can succeed. Each partner can recognize their distinct needs and respect the differences of their partner. This is achievable when both partners agree on which aspects of the relationship should be nurtured and protected.

While some people may experience considerable heartbreak and incompatibility in such diverse relationships, others might discover that, with intentional effort and focus, these partnerships provide a satisfying blend of individuality and unity that fits them perfectly, and they wouldn't want it any other way.

Smiling couple packing camping gear into a blue van, surrounded by greenery. Autistic woman in green, neurotypical man holding a sleeping bag. Casual, cheerful mood. Neurodiverse couples can share interests and have fun.

Critical Process Questions for Neurodiverse Couples

In short, my answer to whether neurodiverse relationships can succeed is: It depends. So how do you know for sure if a neurodiverse relationship is right for you? If you're contemplating starting or ending a neurodiverse relationship, several crucial factors should be considered. I encourage you to get out something to take notes on and answer the following questions for yourself:

1.) Does your current or prospective partner consistently exhibit a behavior you view as a deal breaker for your happiness in a relationship? If so, why would you choose to be with them despite this?

2.) Have you clearly identified and prioritized what you want in a partner in a way that aligns with your personal values and aspirations? How would you describe these qualities?

3.) What attributes do they have that make it worthwhile to be with them? What will you lose by cutting this person out of your life as your partner. What would you gain?

4.) Will you hold a lasting grudge against the unchangeable traits of this person, or are the differences manageable and worth addressing/overlooking to appreciate their positive qualities? Have you allowed sufficient time to assess this beyond the initial honeymoon phase of the relationship?

5.) Have you clearly identified your relational needs that would be true no matter who you were with? Do you wish to be in a relationship at all? If your partner or potential partner's differences aren't compatible with your needs, why would you hold them captive while harboring resentment toward them?

Consult your therapist if you feel trapped in this dilemma and need assistance navigating through it.

***Disclaimer: This article is meant for educational purposes only and not meant to take the place of your licensed mental healthcare provider or your physician.

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About the Author

Mara B. Edmunds, LMFT, is a licensed psychotherapist in Texas with extensive experience in identity, trauma, and relational health. She is dedicated to guiding individuals and couples toward intentional living and aligned relationships with a warm, grounded, and curious approach.

Mara employs a holistic approach that considers not just the symptoms but also the underlying issues that contribute to her clients' struggles. She has dedicated her professional life to helping individuals navigate the complexities of their mental health and emotional well-being.

To learn more or inquire about services, visit www.hopefulharbor.com.